How to make FF7 Characters Hoppin' MAD!
by halfdelita
Summary: Part 1 - How to Insults your Favourite FF7 Characters AvALAnChE
1. Chapter 1

How to Piss off your favourite FF7 Characters

Pt .1 Heroes

Cloud – Call him chocobo boy and knock him over from behind, grab a fistful of his yellow choco-hair and ride him while spanking his butt.. "Giddyap!"

Tifa – Recruit her for a TV-advert… Tell her she's a model for beauty… without letting her know the advert is for boob implants!

Barret – Tell him the Generator's down and you could really use his help to fix it then plug his gun-arm into the dynamo and turn it on.

Aeris – Take her out on the Gold Saucer date, then while the fireworks are reflected off each other's faces, tell her she's as beautiful as the flowers in her church. After the fireworks are done, tell her she also lasts as long as beforesaid flowers.

RedXIII – Take a photo of him and put it in a Lost-Pets advertisement – "Lost, Red Kitty, Slightly Scarred, Come Home To Hojo, I promise I won't mistreat you again!!"

Cid – Pull him by the ear to the bathroom and wash out with mouth with soap, while scolding him "Now Now young man, we won't have that kind of language aboard our airship!"

Vincent – Put Halloween Vampire Teeth on him and stain them with tomato ketchup, also put a mirror on his coffin so his teeth dripping with blood is the first thing he sees when he wakes up.

Yuffie – When she's playing dead trying to steal your material, step on her and kick her around harder than necessary, while not letting on that you know she's pretending.


	2. Chapter 2

How to Piss off your favourite FF7 Characters

Pt .2 Villians

Sephiroth – Go on bended knee and serenade to him "Rapenzel Rapenzel let down your hair, let me climb that beautiful stair!" Then stick Masamune up his ass. To the hilt. Just to see how far it will go.

Cait Sith – Stick traitor post-it notes everywhere – bathroom bedroom elevator. "To betray you must first belong" "You cannot run with the hare and hunt with the hounds." "In every gathering of thirteen, expect one guest will turn out to be a Judas." Then charge in and say "You're under arrest for high treason!" Then smack him playfully and say "Just kidding Toysaurus!"

Hojo – Call him the hunchback of Notre Dame, and rib him about Sephiroth constantly, saying "Ring any bells?" Dress up a girl as Ifana and a guy as Professor Gast and have them drift back and forth his corridor moaning "how could you kill the last of the Ceta and your mentor Professor.. Wooooo…." , and make him insane – as if he isn't already.

Heidigger – Tell him there's a Public Safety Hazard that the Public Safety Maintenance Department need to check out urgently. Lead him to Proud Clod, then have the chestplate of Proud Clod fall out in slow motion and squash him. Accidently. Gya ha ha

Scarlet – Bring her out to the deck of Sister Ray and distract her with talk about the ratio/mass intergrity of weapons until you trap her in the space-time continuum, then loop the scene of her and Tifa Bitchslapping each other.. for eternity. Kya ha ha.

Palmer – have Marlene and Denzel run up to him, point and laugh saying "Spaced out fatty!" Also, in the graveyard in front of Rocket Town, put up a tombstone with a witty epithet – "Hit by a Truck, Didn't die what luck / Died cos of Lard in Tea, No one cares He He He"


	3. Chapter 3

How to Piss off your Favourite FF7 Characters

Jehova Special!

Yo mama's so fat she tripped in Junon and fell in Costa De Sol!

Yo mama' so big she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.

Yo mama's so huge she has her own area code.

Yo mama's so radioactive Shinra buys Mako from her!

Yo mama has 10 fingers--all on the same hand.

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

Yo mama so scary Shinra moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly she wouldn't die after her head got cut off – Medusa did.

Yo mama so deformed when she was born yo granddad said "What a treasure" and Grandmum replied "Yes lets go bury it."

Yo mama's so smelly Don Cornello gave her sewer monster job to someone else cos of the stink.

Yo mama's body parts so large they show up on radar.

Yo mama fell again, and there was Northern Crater.

Yo mama's nose so big her neck broke from the weight.

Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.

Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth would duck – if she had any.

Yo Mama's so ugly she had to have a special chapter to herself!


	4. Chapter 4

How to Piss off your favourite FF7 Characters

Turks

Rufus – Have him dress up in the nines to go on a date with Yuffie, then have Yuffie trip him into a mud puddle so his nice white coat n pants become brown. When he complains about it have Yuffie say "Oh don't be a stick-in-the-mud!" Rig his shotgun so when he eventually figures out its not a real date n tries to shoot Yuffie with it, a flag pops out with "BANG! U IZ DEAD!". When he tries again, a bunch of flowers pop out, and Yuffie takes them and kisses him saying "Awww how sweet!"

Tseng – Tease him constantly that he doesn't know how to fight cos he always lets Rude Reno and Elena do the fighting for him. Also, have Rude Reno and Elena put a henna of a tilak on their foreheads and grovel to him saying "Oh great mighty Turk-leader, we worship your feet and want to be just like you"

Reno – Have him called into the office for a dressing down. When he ignores the reprimand as usual, get him stripped and his Electro-Mag Rod stuck up his ass. When he ignores even more, turn it on. While lecturing him on his unkempt red hair, ponytail, unzipped jacket, untucked shirt, and lack of tie. Warn him that the next time he is caught, he will have Barret's revolving gunarm up his ass.

Rude – Grab his sunglasses and break them, then say. "Oh my, that was pretty rude." Then grab him in a headlock and rub his bald head and say "Chrome dome!" "Geez that was more rude!" Finally when he clenches his hands into fists about to pumell you, say.. "Hey! Reno says he likes you fisting him! Ewww Gaaayy!" "Ugh that was Rudest!"

Elena – Take advantage of her naiveté by assigning her a vague mission to the HoneyBee Inn with perimeters like "Infiltrate a den of Sin and Inequity by blending in" While she is there dressed in Don Cornello's preferred lingerine, burst in and take compromising pictures of them saying "Ah-hah! Fucking on duty!" Then, when she bursts into tears, tear them up.


End file.
